Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Oh My Man, I Love Him So... But He Still Pisses Me Off

It only makes sense that my first blog post be about my husband, so let's just call him Mr. Big Man, shall we? We've been together for three and a half decades, so you can just imagine how much Venting and Vodka therapy I'm going to need. As a matter of fact, Venting & Vodka Therapy will be a term you'll hear both of us Blogbitches use on a consistent basis. It beats the hell out of paying to talk to some idiot who has a degree from books, for $150.00 an hour. I've got a long line of degrees in Life, which beats the hell out of books any day. And I have lots of V & V Therapy on a daily basis. Because, well, life is just a big shit sandwich a great deal of the time and it's important to know what works and what doesn't. V & V Therapy works, my friends. I haven't killed him yet, okay?

I have stuck with this man through thick and thin over the years. So, before I begin, you must know a few things about him. I'll stick with just the top ten this time.

1. I love him as much as the day I finally got him into the church, but he can irritate the shit out of me. He suffers from severe anal retentiveitis, which you will hear far more of, than you ever wanted to. He's a whole phenomenon unto himself, I swear.

2. He kicks small dogs if they piss him off. Oh Hell. He kicks cats too. He also says loud ugly things about obese people when he sees them. No, he's not 12. Amazing, huh?

3. Although difficult to believe, he is college educated and comes from a very wealthy family, where he was basically raised by the maid because his mother was off doing Jr. League volunteer work. She was also one cold bitch. This explains so much.

4. He's still so in love with me that not even Viagra works, lol. However, he insists on continually asking me why we don't have sex any more. "Dear, we don't have sex any more because you can't get it up any more." You would think that would be clear enough. Nope.

5. He is also going deaf and makes me repeat everything I have said, for like the last decade. Whenever I repeat, I do so VERY LOUDLY and he says I don't have to shout. UhHuh.

6. He leaves skidmarks in every single pair of underwear he owns. Apparently he's been packing that asshole up in there for more than the 35 years I've been taking care of him. This would certainly explain why he's so anal retentive.

7. He is an honest man, which I like to some extent. Except for the fact that he has never told me I'm beautiful or that I look beautiful. He doesn't like to lie. He tells me I look good or fine and several times over the decades he has even used the word great. An attractive friend arrives with her husband and he says "Damn! You look incredible." Gee, Thanks a lot, asshole.

8. He goes to bed every night of the world at 8:30 PM, come Hell or High Water. He has done this since we were 25 and first married. He gets up at the ass crack of dawn and leaves before I ever get up, then doesn't come home until 5:00 PM. He works for himself. You do the math.

9. He has slept in the guest room for the last 15 years because he smokes in bed and has burned holes in countless bed linens, comforters, blankets, rugs, and carpets. I sleep in the master bedroom which has a door leading to the backyard. You do the math.

10. He says he loves to do yardwork, yet only does it a couple of times a year. He bitches about paying the guy that mows & edges, but he has no choice there. He refuses to hire someone to do the rest, so it just goes undone. I mean he has golf season, football season, baseball season, hockey season, and other such interests to occupy his valuable time. I'm a fucking princess, so I'm not about to do it.

Trust me when I tell you that you can't make this stuff up.

Now there. Aren't you just thrilled to fucking death that I shared with you? Right. I thought so.

Blogbitch #2


Blogbitch # 1 said...

LMFAO. I can already tell I'm going to enjoy this blog so much better since we ain't doing any candy coatin' over here. LOL

You are a sistah from another mothah - we even use so many of the same phrases! I felt like I wrote it - except that I'm on husband #3 and after only 2 1/2 years, I have a very short list of complaints about him. Very short.

However, I'm very empathetic and I feel your pain. Even Viagra doesn't work? Gah. But then, maybe that's a blessing.

Blogbitch # 2 said...

I think he looks at a lot of porn online when at the office. That's probably what broke *it*, lol. I'm just glad I have my waterpick showerhead to keep me company. Heh
Oh, and I'm just getting started on the list. When I'm done, everyone will know what a fucking saint I am for putting up with this man all these years, lol.

Holy Crappers said...

Hey there Bitches !! Thanks for stopping our blog!! Now I must go and catch up on yours,,,,love your husband , bitch #2

Sista #1

Holy Crappers said...

I am sista #2.
You bitches have a great blog!!!!!