Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Meet The ADD Family ~ OR ~ Adventures In Lala Land

I'll take a break from hubby bashing today, so that I can tell you about this horrid, awful woman I have to be nice to. I truly cannot stand to be in the same room with her. Why, you ask? I'm so glad you asked! You know you want to know because you may know someone just exactly like her. How much do I hate her? Let me count the ways.

First of all, she is the fifth (or is it the 6th) wife of Mr. Big Man's (let's just call hubby Mr. BM, shall we?) best friend. Yes, we have been through several wives with him. Believe it or not, this is his best wife yet. Poor dumb dickhead. Well, as much as I love the guy, that's just what he is. He's always let that organ in his pants do his decision making for him, when he clearly would have been a lot better off letting his other organs do that. But wait just one minute. This isn't about Mr. ADD. This is about his wife, Mrs. ADD. Yes, they both claim to have Attention Deficit Disorder and yes, they are both on Adderol & Alcohol. I shit you not. If that's not a disaster waiting to happen, then I don't know what is. Needless to say, they fights a bit. OK, they fights A LOT. Mr. ADD is a whole other string of posts, but he is at least amusing.

Crap, I keep getting derailed. Her. It's all about her. Focus. OK. Here's a nice beginner list of things I hate about this woman. She is truly a piece of work like none other and will likely be the featured post by me on any given day. Here we go:

1. She's a big ole gruff country gal and she can whip Mr. ADD's ass at any given moment, and often does. Sometimes he deserves it and sometimes he doesn't. The thing is, that she's so damn venomous and mean when she does it. We've seen them fight enough times to know. She wants everything her way or every body's gonna know about it within about a half a block. He just runs along and does whatever she tells him or yells at him to do. I'd say it was rather pathetic if he didn't so often deserve it.

2. Now, Mr. BM cannot stand her either, but I guess that's not a good gauge since he doesn't like many people anyway. She grates on his nerves to the point he just wants to get away from her. After 15 minutes. So, this is one area that we're in total agreement on. I can honestly take her for about an hour max on her good days.

3. The first thing she does that makes my skin crawl is... she makes all of these strange noises and whistles and guttural sounds (you know... like she's sucking snot down her throat), but only at times. I've never been sure what triggers it, but my guess is The Adderol & Alcohol diet she lives on. It's not just gross, it can also be very embarrassing. Jesus Christ, she's not 80. She's 50.

4. This woman has the most gawd awful taste in clothes and shoes of any woman that I have ever known and she doesn't give a shit. I'm not saying her tastes are simple or anything. It's like Tilda Swinton at the Academy Awards last year, only on Adderol & Alcohol, lol. It's almost as if she goes out in search of the most horrible looking outfit she can find. I guess I'm trying to say she is just tacky. Yup, that'll do. Tacky.

5. Every year she gives me birthday gifts that I hate and never use, when I go out of my way to find really nice things for her. Everyone that knows me, knows that I do not EVER wear T-shirts. I hate them and I look awful in them and I have NEVER worn them. This year she got me a Large T-shirt and I wear medium. That is, if I wore T-shirts. Moron. Mr. BM liked it so he can wear it.

6. She lets her large dogs live on their furniture all over the house, so that there is no place you can sit without getting their wiry hairs all over you. Then, she lets the dogs jump up on people who come over and I've got my own personal scars to prove it. Mrs. ADD also lets the dogs swim in the lovely tiled pool she asks you to come over and swim in. Then, they try to drown you as she ignores it completely. She keeps wondering why their pool cleaner keeps breaking. Can you spell d-o-g h-a-i-r? Dumb shit.

7. Their two dogs killed her cat last winter because she accidentally left a door open. I mean what the fuck is that all about? They ripped the cat to shreds and after she cleaned the mess off walls and everything, she kept them. The Dogs. Then spoke to the dogs repeatedly and told them she knew they weren't really bad. Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! At my house those two devil dogs would be sucking death juice for sure.

8. Which brings me to this one. She is one of those people who talks non-stop, straight through anyone else's conversation and never listens. Mostly, she talks to those Hell Dogs, even while you're trying to talk to her about something. It's the most insane behavior I've ever witnessed in my life. Alright, I admit she's not the worst, but she's damn sure the fucking strangest act I've seen since the last time I saw a transvestite's act (which was actually a real guffaw). Mrs. ADD is just downright wacko. Now mind you, I talk to my cat because, well, she knows exactly what I'm saying, even though it's in short phrases. Mrs. ADD carries on hours long conversations with her dogs and they don't have a fucking clue what she's going on about.

9. Mrs. ADD is also prone to saying nice things to me like "Wow, your swimsuit almost matches that cover up," or "Oh. You got your hair cut." or "Ewwwww... you've got a Camel Toe going on." Ummmmmm... Thanks? She doesn't have a tactful bone in her body. At a party once, she came over and said "So who's the big fat woman that has taken control of the kitchen?" The fat woman's husband was sitting right next to me. He replied "She's my wife." She just gave him a look that said "Whoa!" Yup, she's got Class. Real Class.

10. This is the one that grates me like fresh Parmesan. She talks baby talk all the time and acts like she's really sweet. I hate baby talk with a passion. I never even let my daughter talk baby talk because it makes you sound like an idiot. She only does it when new people are around and it makes me want to hurl whatever I last consumed. Neenee. Nannee. Noonoo. Also, most of the time she's talking to the dogs, she talks to them in baby talk. Aaaargh! It makes me nuts. The woman is 50 years old for Christ's sake. She's a bit long in the tooth for that, me thinks.

Stay tuned for more adventures with the ADD Family, to be posted in the near future.

Cheerio! Blogbitch #2


Holy Crappers said...

This is the one that grates me like fresh Parmesan

OK I got tho this part and coffee came spewing out of my mouth and nose. Thanks for that.

LOL omg your fucking funny!


Holy Crappers said...

I forgot to add....
Sista #1 &2 are also annonymous bloggers. no one but our husbands know we do this! LOL This way we can fucking talk about whoever, whenever we want. And we curse ALOT.

peace #2

Blogbitch # 1 said...

OMG - I know insensitive people like her and you just want to knock them senseless... although, I have to admit - this gal takes the cake.

God I love your style of writing - you are fucking hilarious. Lady- you need a stage, not a blog!! LMFAO