Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Why Do Husbands Have To Be So Annoying?

I'm thinking it might just be my husband, but Good God they can be annoying much of the time. Here's a list I'm sure that many other wives can relate to.

1. He yells and talks loudly at the TV when watching football. He's such a football fanatic, he won't have anyone over or go anywhere else to watch the game. He has ALWAYS been this way.

2. Mr. BM has to be the most unobservant asshole I've ever known. Last week, I totally re-did the front porch with beautiful new Fall plants, pumpkins, and a new pad for the bench. I also had all new bedding plants put in the front flowerbeds. In addition, I painted the front door a beautiful deep crimson and added a new wreath. When he came in from work I asked how he liked it and he said "Liked what?" Evidently all my hard work was an exercise in futility. I mean, how the fuck could you walk past all that and not notice? Insert Deep Sigh here.

3. On the weekends he has taken to allowing himself two naps per day. I now refer to these as The Pre-Nap and The Nap, which has become a joke among all our friends. Anyone who calls to talk to him on the weekends now asks "Is he in The Pre-Nap or The Nap mode?". You'd think he was a really old fart, but he's not. Not in years anyway.

4. We never go out to dinner unless friends call and invite us, which means I normally cook seven nights per week. God forbid he should ever say "Hey honey, let's go out and grab a bite to eat." If I suggest it, he just says flat No.

5. Mr. BM has also recently become a fan of the cooking network, which I think is funny when you consider that he's never cooked a whole meal on his own. Instead, he prefers to criticize my cooking, telling me what he saw on so-and-so's cooking show and how I'm doing it all wrong. Yes, he's a total asshole about this. You see, it's much easier for him to do this than actually get up off his lazy butt and try to cook.

6. Every night when he comes home from work, he has 3 strong drinks in a row and is usually completely greased by 7:00 PM. He starts slurring his words and then begins to get confrontational with me. In the many years we've been married, I've learned to just not talk with him once he reaches his point of inebriation. He's become a total lush, the asshole. And I'm the only one with a real reason to drink... living with his crazy ass. However, I plan to outlive the jerk, so I rarely indulge.

7. I used to actually eat meals at the kitchen table with him until I could no longer stand the wild channel surfing, really bad old black & white westerns, the cooking network, or one of a hundred different news stations. Occasionally I like to watch a nice movie or TV show, but not him. So, I now eat in the den/office by myself & I'm as happy as a clam.

8. Mr. BM also likes to tell me when to cook meals. If I go into the kitchen to start dinner, he says it's too early. If I'm still working at the computer when he deems it time for me to start dinner, he comes in & asks me if I'm ordering pizza or asks why I haven't started yet. Then, when I go in to start dinner, he finds something to do that keeps him in my way and it really pisses me off. Also, no matter what I cook, it is never more than just "really good" and most of the time just "good". It doesn't matter how hard I've tried to wow him with a dish or how hard I've worked. He's very stingy with any compliment toward me. Did I mention that he has to eat at PRECISELY tha same time every night? No variations or he turns into a cranky asshole. Wait a minute. He turns into an asshole over everything, lol.

9. If & when we do ever go out to dinner, he spends the entire evening looking at other women. The few times I've called him on this, he tells me I've got some kind of problem & denies having done this. I am not blind and I'm not delusional. Remember he's done these things for more than 35 years. He then goes & gets pissed off at me for saying anything. You know, since he's so innocent & all. I know what I see & I have known what I've seen for all these years.

10. Now here's my favorite of all. His new thing is listening to Christian music. Don't get me wrong here, I like Christian music, but this man hasn't been in church since we were at the altar. I took the kids to church by myself for 25 years. I'm afraid he's under some kind of impression that by listening to Christian music he is going to somehow make it to Heaven or whatever the hell it is he's thinking. It's really annoying because he leaves my car radio on the Christian station when he drives my car. I only listen to DVD's. So, when getting in my car to go somewhere, I have to put my CD back in, re-adjust my car seat and re-adjust my rearview mirror. It's maddening. And, I still can't get him to go to church with me on Sunday. Yes, he's a real peach.

Don't you wish you had a wonderful partner like mine?

Cheerio ~ Blogbitch #2


Holy Crappers said...

This is why I fucking drink.

Open up a beer and chug.


brneyedgal967 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzysoo said...

Hi I landed on your blog via Holy Crappers (who Ive been following for a while now). Hope you dont mind but I am now a regular here!!

Love it! Tell it how it is.

Blogbitch # 2 said...

Oh... I've been working up a couple of great rants. Soon to come.